First we went to a rooftop party for the opening of Bold Tendencies 5 in Peckham, South London, where drinks were free, cute were everywhere and the DJs got everyone crazy.

Then we attended Matthew Stone’s exhibition in Union Gallery, East London, where I couldn’t help but notice a difference in style. South vs East is probably obvious to locals, but I’ve made some observations from a foreign point of view.

My first impression of South Londoners is that they’re a bit too Hippy-Raver, however I have to admit they’re original. You can only come up with something like this while coming down from some experimental Slovenian club mess your boyfriend brought back for you from Glastonbury.

East Londoners are obviously more put together in the way anybody desperately trying to get “into the scene” would be. I can’t put my finger on it but there’s something about them that just doesn’t seem very genuine-maybe it’s because their clothes actually match or they shower at least once a week.

I fell in love the couples in South London because they’re cute, fun and let me watch them screw in the parking lot.

I also tried to get on with the Eastern ones but couldn’t keep up with their arguments over where they should “dine” or who’se shoes are more expensive.

When not making bbfs bathroom, Peckham kids pose like the album cover of whatever new wave grunge hip-hop band they’re currently listening to.

But at Union they’re too busy sending emails to realize what a great Goth Pop duo they’d make.

South London girls effortlessly mix the most annoying trend from every decade and somehow turn it into crushed velvet perfection.

Meanwhile East girls keep it safe and simple, which is a shame, because with legs like hers she could literally wear a bin bag and still drive you to suicide when she withholds her phone number.

I have a thing for junkie types but I also love big disgusting construction workers, which means I’ve usually had to date two guys at once. South London boys are the first I’ve seen to successfully turn the two looks into one delicious, sexually ambiguous panty-wetting treat.

East guys are also attractive but should probably make up their minds between “sexy surfer” and “member of Creed” before they lose themselves in fabric softener and wavy conditioned hair.

In conclusion, the South should wash up more, the East needs to come to terms with not being cool and both of them should just be happy they’ll never be as bad as Milan.