I know-I've been in school forever and it seems that I'll never get out. However considering the fact that my parents are having to sell all their furniture just to support me I think it's time for me to "get serious" about "growing the fuck up," aka graduating college before I turn 40.

I have never been able to do anything school related at school, home, in a library or any place that has or sells books. I have found the only way for me to get anything done is by going to a bar or coffee shop, which I learned back when I was failing high school.

It was senior year, and while my peers were in class, stressing over what college they'd get into, I was walking my cute lil ass to Starbucks to study for a remedial math course I had to take online in order to get my diploma (I was an impressive kid). There I met a cute blonde-haired guy who I decided was right for my sister, so I gave him her number and they ended up dating for years. I realized it was fate, started studying at coffee shops and eventually even got accepted to Appalachian State University.

I did pretty well at ASU, but now that I'm in Milan it's harder. Not just because I spend all of my time trying to figure out where I was the night before or stalking boys I'm convinced will eventually fall in love with me but because Milan doesn't have good cafes!

The only cafe you can actually sit at for more than two minutes without having the Mafia escort you out (Italians drink their coffee standing up and super fast. It's one of the million annoying things about them) is McCafe, and, as much as I love it there, I don't love being tempted by McFlurries and french fries-because what's the point of being smart if you don't look fit doing it?

Ok, so as I was writing that last paragraph my mom just came and told me to "stop doing this shit" so I'm gonna get to the point. Here's how to pick the best places to study.

1) Drinks
You'll need strong coffee and stronger liquor.
I get iced coffee with Bailey's every day at my current school's bar, however American cafes rarely do this-you're lucky to find a place that has beer. The best thing to do is pick a joint for it's espresso and sneak in a flask yourself. That way you'll stay awake and creative while saving money you'll need to spend on that guy who promised to help you cheat.

2) Atmosphere
Bathrooms are the most important part of any business.
I often pick restaurants, clubs, nail salons entirely based on their toilet. Great lighting and a flattering mirror will give you the confidence boost you need to get through the hell that is realizing you don't remember basic math, chose the wrong major and will probably never get a job.

3) People
Follow the hotties.
Once you find the right study spot you'll be there every day. And if that spot isn't full of people you want to have sex with you'll eventually find yourself in greasy hair, a pair of crocs and rolled-up gym shorts.  

Because doing school shit is depressing enough. Don't make it worse than it should be.

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