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PICNIC APOCALYPSE
Posted Apr 16, 2011
Every civilization has it's "Wise Men." In the past there was Jesus and Walt
Disney,
and now there are the
Drunks.
Though Drunks are often ridiculed they're essential to our society. Without their guidance many of us would be lost.
For example one once insulted my legs, after which I didn't eat for a month. (Thank you, Sir).
Tonight I was walking home from buying groceries (anti-wrinkle cream and hairspray) when one told me the "World Is Ending."
I said I can't die before Rihanna sings with Britney.
But he insisted: "It's too hot for April. By August we'll all be
gone."
As I walked away his words stuck with me; he was right. I noticed women
wearing white pants and men walking in flip-flops (gross). I started to panic
and then it got worse: I saw People Having
Picnics.
That people like hot weather is shocking. It brings problems like tan lines, tankinis and the idea that it's cool to hang out in "nature." People built cities and chairs for a reason so why insult modern architecture by sitting on the grass? Not only is this hazardous to your clothing but it makes you look like a Hippie.
Unfortunately picnics are hard to avoid, as even your "Alternative" friends get heat-stroked into Flower Children. Here's how to deal with this annoying trend without ruining your skirt or losing your friends.
PICNIC SURVIVAL GUIDE 2011
1) Dress Smart
Wear black unless you want to look like you've pooped your
pants.
I don't mean food. If you attend a picnic it should only be because you were
forced into it and/or plan on hooking up with the Park Runners. You should never
participate in the "eating outside" process, as that will make you One Of Them.
Do bring reading material (gossip magazines), your laptop or anything to
distract you from the trees and
flowers.
3) Socialize
Ditch your loser friends for those boys playing soccer. They'll be
shirtless, sweaty and
baguette-free.
4) Drink
Show up with tons of booze and refuse to share. If you have enough you'll forget where you are and become a Wise Man yourself.
TAGS: dolce&gabbana dolce & gabbana d&g d & g online luxury magazine tea Tea Hacic-Vlahovic mondo trasho who is tea vlahovic tea hacic tea columnist cool date picnic rihanna britney spears duet armageddon cheerleader picnic survival guide milan milano garden party fashion magazines grazia uk
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