From: The professional Santa
To: a little helper desk
Subject: Let me entertain you.

Ho ho ho!

I have for many years now worked as a Santa impersonator and have perfected a number of acts, including Abusive Drunken Santa (beers must be provided) and A-Team Santa (a white-bearded version of Mr T). I would be happy to offer my services for your next Christmas party as I believe such busy people as Mr Dolce and Mr Gabbana might enjoy a little Christmas cheer!

Attached are my fees and requested travel arrangements.

John at rent-your-drunken-santa.com.

 

From: better things to do
To: The (un)professional Santa
Subject: Let us keep our distances.

We wanted to give you our best wishes for the upcoming holiday season and the New Year should you live to see it.

As for your delightful owner we regret to inform you that the company holds its Christmas party in August in agreement with its strictly Carribean Christmas policy.

From: Lost in fashion
To: a little helper desk
Subject: Christmas party hits

Dearest Swide,

In order to secure my place as my local neighbourhood’s fashionista I have been intent on dressing to impress – and pull many men – on the party circuit this holiday season. I drew a sketchbook months ago but as I put it into action I realised baubles do not make suitable earrings and did you know a dress made of tinsels didn’t hold together very well? I was wondering if you had suggestions along those lines to help me be the party hit.

Also as I feel I have a lot of creative resources please will you consider me for an internship as a special occasions stylist?

From: better things to do
To: Lost in fashion
Subject:

We suggest staying at home and drinking yourself to sleep this Christmas as your case seems beyond helpless even for our self-proclaimed fashion guru expertise. Do make sure to open a Twitter account to see all the fun you’re missing on straight from your couch!

From: A model daughter
To: a little helper desk
Subject: My mother’s sex life

I have thoroughly enjoyed your latest commercial for D&G watches and it gave me the most brilliant idea for my mother’s Christmas present. See, she has been consistently single since divorcing my father 15 years ago and I think nothing would cheer her up more than a little ménage à trois with those gorgeous young models of yours.

Please could you send me their contact details and booking fees for the night?

From: better things to do
To: A model daughter
Subject: Too. Much. Information.

Loving one’s parent is a beautiful thing and in the spirit of the holidays we shall give you this one piece of advice: buy your mother, and yourself, a few six-packs of lager, get yourself down to the pub and see for yourselves the striking resemblance between your newfound pub admirers and the D&G Time threesome models. We expect the fee to be of a pint or two so it’s good for your finances. That way your mother gets all her Christmases at once and you get a life!